This Is War
by chartreuseian
Summary: Oh she was going to kill him. Skin him alive! Of all the harebrained, half rationalised things he could have done... 2nd in the Pass The Torch fic relay.


**So, by general consensus, we've decided to move our publish day to a Friday. Because the others are all too excitable and eager. **

**In case you have no idea what I'm on about, this is 2****nd**** in a fanfic relay started by Tashah2109. Each fic is based around a Greek God, dictated by the writer before in the chain. Last week was Tashah2109 with Zeus, this week it's me with Ares, God of War. Check her story out for a better explanation of what's goin' down. Also, next Friday will be agrainne24 and she'll be writing about Dionysus, God of Wine, Celebration and all around partying.**

**I own nothing, as per usual and I feel I should give fair warning, this is a slightly strong T. I've been assured it's not tipping into M land but I'm dubious. Well, I'm dubious about the whole thing to be honest but there's nothing for it now. **

**xx**

* * *

"NIKOLA!" Helen screeched, hands balled as she screamed. "Nikola bloody Tesla I am going to kill you!"

James chuckled indulgently from his safe spot in the corner and she sent him a dirty glare.

Nigel chortled from his very own corner, looking her up and down with a knowing grin. She sent him a rather dirty glare too.

"NIKOLA!" she bellowed again, slamming one slippery fist down onto the polished wooden table before her. With another shriek of fury she pushed her chair back from the table, hands shaking with barely controlled rage.

Once again the other men chuckled, even John's smiling face poked up from where he'd taken shelter beneath the table. He got a particularly nasty look from her as she stood, trying her very best not the scream once more.

She failed.

"Nikola Tesla get in here this second or I'll... I'll..."

"Stutter at me?" he drawled, poking his head around the door at the far end of the room.

"Castrate you," she growled, earning a reproving look from James. Blast propriety, she thought angrily. It's not as if any of them had been kind enough to warn her of the booby trap that lay within her birthday cake. Or had attempted to shield her from the blast of cake that now covered her head and upper body.

"I'll admit that was rather spectacular," John put in with a grin as he stood and straightened his jacket, flicking a single chunk of cake from where it rested on his shoulder absently.

"Spectacular?" Helen echoed, eyes wide and he took a step back. "I am covered in-"

"Cake," Nikola said as he stepped towards her, head cocked in curiosity. "But perhaps next time I'll reduce the power of the device. I hadn't expected such a violent explosion."

"Oh and pray tell what exactly did you expect?" Helen almost spat at him, raising a hand to her now ruined curls before looking down at the light green satin gown she'd been wearing. Her _new_ light green satin gown. It had been beautiful, shining dimly in the sun light as the golden trimmings came to life. But now... now it was thick with her favourite butter cake and icing.

"Well, it was supposed to shoot up in a little burst of colour from the top," he said, bending over to peer at the remnants still on the plate.

"So why did you all seek cover the moment the candle was lit?" she asked, rounding on those who were supposed to be her friends.

"We have little faith in Tesla's skills," John put in smoothly.

"One day you shall all see," Nikola muttered, still peering intently at what was left of the cake.

"Did you not see, mate?" Nigel put in, sounding incredulous. "The damn thing nearly took out Helen too!"

"Lies and propaganda," Nikola again muttered, still not paying the others even the slightest bit of attention. Growing sick of his act, Helen grit her teeth and, with all her strength, pushed down upon Nikola's head until he landed face first in what was left of the cake.

His arms flew out as he made a rather satisfying grunt of surprise and Helen did her best to hold him down, grinning madly as he flailed and only made the situation worse for himself. When she was fully satisfied his face was covered in cake she released him, stumbling back and tripping over the edge of her overlong gown.

Nikola straightened up and spluttered, cake falling from his face as he blinked dumbly at her.

It took a second and then Helen broke out into a fit of giggles.

"Did... How..." he stuttered, making a face she could only just discern through the cake.

"All is fair," she taunted, hands on hips as she grinned triumphantly. "Now, if you will all excuse me, I shall call Brigette and bathe. You are all more than welcome to make yourselves comfortable in the library if you so cho-ooooNIKOLA!"

The handful of cake had landed squarely on the back of her head, dripping down from the elaborate curls to the exposed skin of her back.

She turned slowly, body stiff with rage.

"This..."

"Uh, I think we should clear out boys," Nigel said worriedly, backing towards the door.

"Is..."

"Seconded," James said hastily, hurrying away from Helen's murderous glare and to the safety that the rest of the house would provide. John followed just as quickly, closing the door behind them just in case.

"War."

Scooping up a handful of cake from the table, she lobbed it straight at him, growling as he ducked out of the way.

"Helen!" Nikola cried in alarm. "Wait! You can't-"

The next handful of cake hit its mark and she grinned, stalking up to him as he tried to clear it from his face.

"That was wholly unnecessary," he began. "I mean, it wasn't on purpoooo."

She couldn't help but giggle as she shoved yet another handful into his mouth. It had been a large cake by anyone standards and though she'd been initially worried at the volume, now she was finding it very satisfactory.

"Helen!" he spluttered, pushing her away as he tried to step backwards. She made to follow him but he tripped, eyes going wide as he grabbed onto the nearest thing possible in an attempt to steady himself. And that, of course was her chest.

Helen yelped, batting his hands away on instinct and he switched his grip from the front of her dress to her arm. He continued to fall to the ground, dragging Helen with him despite the grabs she made towards the table. The end result was Helen lying across Nikola's stomach, arms outstretched as his grabbed at her back.

Fleetingly his hands ventured too low for her liking and she stiffened but then, before she could even think to move, he pushed her off, scrambling to sit up.

"That was uncalled for!" he cried, incredulously.

Helen rolled onto her back, giggling as she looked up at him.

And then she noticed a gleam in his eye. Suddenly he lurched up and over her, grabbing the plate from the table and pouring what was left over Helen.

At that she actually screamed, trying her best to shield her face with her arms but it was no use. Only when she had the bright idea to shove up at the plate did Nikola's relentless cackling at her predicament cease.

"You... you... evil little..." she said breathlessly, sitting up as she glared at Nikola.

"You said war," he reminded her, sitting back on his haunches with a smile. "And you ruined my suit. I had no choice."

Eyes wide with anger Helen lent forward and shoved Nikola back to the floor.

"No choice?" she shrieked. "No choice? Are you telling me that you had no choice but to blow up my birthday cake? No choice in _ruining _my new dress? No choice?"

With a growl she clambered over him, kneeling over his stomach with a stormy look. Reaching up she grabbed a handful of the creamy mess in her hair and slapped it on his face.

"No choice Nikola?"

She took another handful from the bodice of her gown and slapped it on the other cheek.

"Then what does that mean I have?"

"A rather large mean streak," he grumbled, struggling to push her off. Helen chuckled darkly and shifted so that their faces were only centimetres apart.

"You are yet to see anything Nikola," she whispered, hands pinning his shoulders to the floor. She paused a moment, weighing up her options before smiling and humming softly.

Quickly, before he could even do so much as yelp, she shifted her head so that her mouth was at his jaw and, without preamble she licked a line up the side of his face, clearing away the cake that clung to his skin.

Pulling back with a triumphant grin she waited, watching his shocked face for a moment.

3...

2...

1...

"Oh yuck!" he cried, pushing at Helen once more until she fell to his side, giggling uncontrollably at his look of utter disgust. "Oh Helen, that's just... That's playing dirty! I cannot believe you just..." He trailed off, shuddering as he sat up, shoulders tense. "The germs," he muttered as another shiver tore through him.

"All's fair," she said with a grin, pushing herself up off the floor and trying not to look at the mirror on the nearest wall. She knew she must look a fright and, if she had confirmation she might not be able to tear herself away from punishing Nikola all afternoon.

Holding her head high she made to walk to the door but, before she could open in, Nikola's hand appeared on her waist, spinning her and all but slamming her into the solid oak door.

"Nikol-."

His tongue on her collarbone silenced her almost instantly, instead a squeak of disbelief slipped through her lips. He continued licking her, dipping down to the tops of her breasts fleetingly before working his way back up her neck to one cheek. His mouth travelled across the bridge of her nose delicately to the other cheek, tongue swirling over the skin he was uncovering and Helen found herself unable to move.

It felt unaccountably good, her entire body tingling as his grip on her waist loosened. His mouth moved back to her jaw, moustache tickling as he cleaned her rather thoroughly. She marvelled at the sensation and, more than that, the man who was delivering such sensation. His aversion to human contact made her giggle from time to time but this...

Then his teeth nipped at that spot by her ear and she shivered, body arching beneath his.

He left the spot too soon, moving back over her almost clean cheek to run his tongue over her parted lips. Her eyes flew open at the electric feeling of their tongues touching, a gasp opening her mouth further. His lips swallowed the sound, covering hers intently as he let her tongue taste the cake he'd been cleaning off of her.

Eyes wide open she let her body begin to react, tongue tentatively dancing with his. His hands tightened on her waist again but this time it had nothing to do with keeping her still, instead he was pulling her body tight to his. Her hands made their way to his hair, running through the slicked, cake-y mess and her eyes finally slipped closed as he again swallowed her small sigh of content.

It could have been hours later when Helen realised Nikola's hands were now moving. One was still sitting firmly on her waist but the other was sliding down and around her bottom, moving to ruck up her skirts until his hand found her bare kneecap. The angle was awkward but she didn't care, pulling her leg up as high she could considering her skirts as she clung to him. He responded eagerly, pressing her more firmly to the door.

Breaking away for a quick breath of air, Helen contemplated where exactly they were but couldn't really bring herself to care. He was so warm against her and although the thick, cloying flavour of cake tainted their kiss, she could still make out something far more masculine and delicious beneath.

His lips came back to hers quickly but, just as she felt herself relaxing into the kiss once more, the entire world shifted. Literally.

The door they were leaning against flew open, Helen landing flat on her back. Only out of an attempt to avoid squishing Helen did Nikola's arms leave her body, bracing him just above her.

"What on earth..." James said, voice tinged with amusement as he, Nigel and John looked down upon their cake covered forms.

"He started it," Helen said quickly, shoving at Nikola until he rolled off of her, allowing her to sit up, praying that the blush in her cheeks wouldn't give them away.

"You slapped me with cake!" Nikola exclaimed, standing up and trying in vain to pick the cake from his sleeves.

"After you dumped the whole thing on my head!" Helen retorted, grabbing a small chuck of goo from her hair and tossing it at his knee. It hit its mark with a rather satisfying plop.

"Enough!" Gregory bellowed, coming around the corner just in time to see Nikola grabbing some cake from his own hair. "Both of you, go bathe now!"

"But Father, it wasn-"

"Now."

Helen stood, trying her hardest not to pout. Why she should get in trouble for Nikola's behaviour was beyond her.

Eyes downcast she stomped up the stair case, waiting up the top for Nikola to follow. He came grudgingly, face stormy.

Before he could see she was there, Helen darted forward, capturing his lips in a quick kiss. Just as he started to respond, she pulled back, smiling sweetly at him.

"You taste like cake," he whispered softly, eyes going a little gooey.

Excellent.

She stepped back, hidden handful of cake coming up to hit him square in the face as she tried to stifle a giggle before turning on her heel and bolting down the corridor.

"HELEN!" Nikola bellowed angrily but she could only laugh.

This was one war she'd not loose.

* * *

_**134 years later (or 247, depending on how you look at it):**_

"That better not explode or I am going to make you clean up the mess."

Nikola merely chuckled, slowly walking toward her. In his hands was a plate, beautiful and ornate topped with a small birthday cake, white icing dotted with small pink and green flowers.

"I'm serious," she said, pushing back from the desk.

"Same trick twice?" Nikola asked as he set down the plate before her. "Never!" He smiled widely, rocking back on his heels with his hands in his pockets.

Helen didn't budge from her position several foot from the desk and possible explosive.

"Oh come on Helen," Nikola said with a sigh. "I promise this one does not contain any defunct fireworks. Cross my heart and hope to lose my vampirism."

She eyed him with caution, still not sold.

Rolling his eyes, Nikola rounded her desk, perching beside the offending sweet.

"See? Perfectly harmless."

"Harmless is not a word I can associate with you Nikola," she said warily, inching forward as the curiosity got the better of her.

"It's just a cake," he said soothingly. "Today is your birthday and I thought I should do something nice for the occasion."

"Mmm, still not buying it," Helen said mockingly. "Last 'something nice' ended up ruining my dress and a perfectly good corset."

"Corset?" he echoed, brows arching. "My, my Helen, perhaps I should have inserted some explosives again..."

She rolled her eyes and closed the remaining distance between herself and the desk. Slowly, so as to not set off any thing she reached out a single finger to swipe off some of the white icing.

When it didn't blow up and cover her in the substance she popped the finger into her mouth, savouring she sugary goodness.

"This isn't bad," she said, looking up to Nikola with a smile.

"It's because I didn't make it," he replied with a shrug. She shook her head and took another swipe of icing just as Nikola's long finger made a similar manoeuvrer. Only he didn't bring the digit to his lips. Instead it landed on her cheek, icing smearing across her skin as he dragged his finger across.

Her yelp was met with a chuckle but before she could slap him or shoot him or rip his ears off, he grabbed her chin with his clean hand, holding her still as he swooped forwards and licked away the mess. His tongue swirled across her skin before moving down to hit the corner of her mouth. Half on instinct Helen turned into the almost kiss but he pulled back, grinning down at her. Slowly he released her chin, fingers trailing down her neck.

"All's fair in love and war," he breathed with a grin.

Helen merely blinked up at him for a second before a plan of attack appeared in her mind's eye.

She turned back to the cake and swiped another finger through the icing before wiping it along Nikola's trousers.

On the upper thigh.

Not quite on the zip but...

Rather close.

"Hel-."

And as she leant over, mouth fastening over the mess and sucking until she was certain it was removed from the fabric. Slowly she straightened up, working her best to keep her face neutral but the smug grin that was threatening to emerge was difficult to keep at bay upon seeing the utter disbelief on his face.

"I always win," she said simply, shrugging her shoulders and turning with the intent of returning to the work she'd been doing.

"I surrender," he said suddenly, voice thick and she bit her lip to keep from smiling as she looked up at him.

"Is that so?"

"White flag and all," he said solemnly and she chuckled, reaching out to capture his wrists in her hands.

She stood, not releasing his wrists and smiled.

"My spoils of war," she whispered, her voice growing a tad huskier than she expected. He swallowed but said nothing, instead allowing her to lead him by the wrists and from the room.

Sometimes losing was just as delicious as winning.

Or, at least that's what Nikola soon thought...


End file.
